Red has been my favorite Taylor Swift album for years. I liked that it wasn’t quite country, but it wasn’t quite pop either. It was somewhere in between. It allowed me to daydream.

Red was first released in 2012 when I was a sophomore in college and I was 19 years old. I was finally starting to heal from something painful, a reputation era, if you will. I was ready to open myself up again. I was ready to risk getting my heart broken for something real.

I wanted to experience this burning red love she sings about. Taylor and I both now know that love is not “burning red, but it’s golden.” 

True love doesn’t miss your birthday party.

True love isn’t passionate fights.

True love is respect and communication.

True love is feeling at peace with your person.

True love is feeling at home with your person.

The album isn’t all break-up songs though.

22 was an anthem for me at 19 and at 22. I miss living with my very best friends. I miss making breakfast at midnight. I miss drinking white wine out of mason jars. I miss beach trips. I miss running around the city just to be out. “Happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way.”

The Lucky One has been heartbreaking since day 1, but it hits different today. Especially alongside Nothing New. I can definitely picture her label being like, “Tay, you can’t be that honest. People will think you’re ungrateful.” But she’s just accurately expressing how it is being young and in the spotlight. I also love Phoebe Bridgers so Nothing New is very high on my hypothetical list of favorites.

Ronan absolutely destroys me every single time. The lyric video is heartbreaking. It’s beautifully done. I know it means a lot to Ronan’s mom, too.

That said, back to the romantic songs.

Girl At Home as a pop track?! Obsessed. I can definitely see her label back then holding back the vault tracks that have more of a pop vibe. They also definitely held back the rest because it would be “too many breakup songs.” Don’t ever say that to Taylor Alison Swift. I Bet You Think About Me would’ve absolutely slayed the country charts. It tears Jake Gyllenhaal to shreds. They were not about to release that into the world. The Very First Night and Message in a Bottle are pop masterpieces. Would’ve been anthems in 2012.

I love that she recorded Better Man and Babe for her version. I love that she writes for other artists sometimes, but I love hearing how she would have produced or arranged it.

I have a new appreciation for the album as a whole, not just my favorites. Even songs I haven’t really listened to in a long time sound so good with her mature voice and a fresh production. My favorites hit differently when she owns them too. I cried listening to Treacherous for the first time.  Stay Stay Stay is better now that it’s not just a daydream. Sad Beautiful Tragic is simple and gorgeous at the same time. Starlight is a great example of her storytelling, which was really prevalent early in her career and has resurfaced with Folklore and Evermore.

When she first released the deluxe version with bonus tracks, I played Come Back… Be Here on repeat. I was falling in love with someone from a distance. The person who I would end up associating with Red as a whole, but especially All Too Well.

To love to fierce and passionate as it becomes clear that this person isn’t good for you. That’s RED.

In the beginning, there are butterflies. It’s magical. He holds doors open for you. He treats you like a lady. He introduces you to his family. Things are moving in a certain direction and you start planning your life around this person. “But this love is brave and wild.”

You fight. Distance weighs on both of you. Life happens. You cry when you have to part after a weekend visit. But he doesn’t. You’re depressed and lethargic the rest of the day. Nothing but memories to get you through until you can be together again.

At some point he stops planning his future with you in it. You grow apart. The magic is still there. He’s still your best friend. But he can’t be the person you call when you need someone at 2am.

Soon he’s nothing but a memory of a time when you were young and dumb. A supercut of laughter, holding hands, kisses, midnight whispers.

I’m better now on the other side of this tumultuous, beautiful love. Now, I know what is acceptable behavior to give and receive in a relationship. We both had our faults. It takes two people to burn a relationship to the ground. I look back on this time fondly, but also with wisdom that he was not perfect and neither was I.

One thing I will never forgive him for (like Taylor’s 21st birthday party) is talking me out of buying the original Red vinyl when I saw it in a store. I had it in my hands. I wanted it more than anything else in the store. It was my favorite. I will also never let a man tell me how to spend MY money unless he’s my financial advisor that gets paid to do so. That’s the lesson there.

I’ve grown since then. I’ve got years of therapy and mindfulness under my belt. A few years of hindsight. I’ve dated a little, but nothing compared to him. Until now.

I do own the original Red on vinyl now, by the way.

So thank you, Taylor. For writing this album and every single piece of art you’ve ever made. For giving us so much of you. How can we ever repay you for being our best friend that knows our hearts inside and out.